Sunday afternoon, football fans were hit with a harsh reality: the NFL season was over. After no common ground could be reached between the NFL Players' Union and the Owner's Association, a lockout ensued. "No progress was made. Absolutely nothing happened in the NFL on Sunday, January 16th," said NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell.
I can hear your questions now: How can the NFL bail on the two most important and financially successful weekends of the season? Why give the trophy to the Packers? Didn't the Jets beat the Patriots on Sunday? The answers? Respectively: It's a legality issue; don't worry about it; no.
As it happens, without renegotiating the collective bargaining agreement, no NFL teams can legally take the field for the rest of the season. The Owner's Association had no official comment on the matter, but several owners were overheard remarking, "We want more money, guy!"
When told of this alleged comment, the Players' Union erupted into chaos. Baltimore linebacker Ray Lewis shot local man Shaun Murray in the chest; Philadelphia quarterback Michael Vick publicly burned his W-4 tax form; former-New York wide receiver Plaxico Burress took it like a bitch in a New York state penitentiary. The official union stance: "I'm not your guy, buddy!"
Golab Weekly reporter Steve "Sexy Spider" Nunes was dispatched to Foxboro to get the player's take on the situation. He has not been heard from since, save an electronically submitted, typo-riddled article, seven hours past the deadline. "We gave him a spell-checker," said Golab Weekly editor-in-chief Adam Golab, "but this doesn't surprise me at all. Steve likes to celebrate Evan Williams Sunday as much as the next man. I'm sure he'll sober up and come sauntering on home by Thursday or Friday."
As the rest of the NFL postseason has been cancelled, Aaron Rodgers can finally hoist the [interim] Lombardi trophy high. When asked if this was a hollow victory, Rodgers responded, "I'm really no different from [fictional character] Shane Falco. Except that I won a real trophy and am way more successful." Evidently, Mr. Rodgers was a big fan of The Replacements, starring Keanu Reeves and Gene Hackman.
Rex Ryan, in a press conference, expressed ambivalence over losing the Lombardi trophy. "It's a matter of simple math," explained Ryan. "The Lombardi trophy doesn't have any feet. On the other hand, that small Filipino boy over there has two."
When asked how he decided to give the Packers the Lombardi trophy, Goodell shrugged. "I guess it was just time for Aaron's trophy, and dick for that matter, to be bigger than Brett Favre's."
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