Earlier this week reports surfaced over a possible merger between longtime rivals American Airlines and U.S. Airways. Both airlines have been around for decades but in recent years began to slip. If the proposed merger does take affect, the airliner would become the largest in the world. Motivations for the merger however are not profit based, rather the two airlines are intent on creating the most patriotic business in America.
In a recent interview about the merger, American Airlines CEO Tom Horton explained, "We really just want to create a company that kicks ass and takes names." When asked to elaborate Horton became drunk, belligerent, and proceeded to break out into joyful rendition of God Bless America.
What will the US consumer see differently next time they fly with U.S.-American? Some of the proposed changes are as follows:
Pre-flight safety procedures will be forgone
All food service will feature a slice of apple pie cooled on grandma's window sill
In flight entertainment will be limited to either Rocky IV or Air Force One
All international flights will be piloted by drones
Flight attendants are to be replaced by the WWE "divas"
A rapid rewards program will be instituted and called "The Mile High Club"
Condoms will be available in all plane bathrooms
When asked if he had any comments on the sweeping changes being made, U.S. Airways CEO Doug Parker simply responded, "Muhrika!"
While the merger may not be finalized for a few weeks, other airlines are already getting out of the way.
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