American Airlines-U.S. Airways Merger Dubbed Most Patriotic

Earlier this week reports surfaced over a possible merger between longtime rivals American Airlines and U.S. Airways.  Both airlines have been around for decades but in recent years began to slip.  If the proposed merger does take affect, the airliner would become the largest in the world.  Motivations for the merger however are not profit based, rather the two airlines are intent on creating the most patriotic business in America.

In a recent interview about the merger, American Airlines CEO Tom Horton explained, "We really just want to create a company that kicks ass and takes names."  When asked to elaborate Horton became drunk, belligerent, and proceeded to break out into joyful rendition of God Bless America.

What will the US consumer see differently next time they fly with U.S.-American?  Some of the proposed changes are as follows:

Pre-flight safety procedures will be forgone
All food service will feature a slice of apple pie cooled on grandma's window sill
In flight entertainment will be limited to either Rocky IV or Air Force One
All international flights will be piloted by drones
Flight attendants are to be replaced by the WWE "divas"
A rapid rewards program will be instituted and called "The Mile High Club"
Condoms will be available in all plane bathrooms

When asked if he had any comments on the sweeping changes being made, U.S. Airways CEO Doug Parker simply responded, "Muhrika!"

While the merger may not be finalized for a few weeks, other airlines are already getting out of the way.

NFL Season Cancelled; Green Bay Awarded Interim Lombardi Trophy

Sunday afternoon, football fans were hit with a harsh reality: the NFL season was over. After no common ground could be reached between the NFL Players' Union and the Owner's Association, a lockout ensued. "No progress was made. Absolutely nothing happened in the NFL on Sunday, January 16th," said NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell.

I can hear your questions now: How can the NFL bail on the two most important and financially successful weekends of the season? Why give the trophy to the Packers? Didn't the Jets beat the Patriots on Sunday? The answers? Respectively: It's a legality issue; don't worry about it; no.

As it happens, without renegotiating the collective bargaining agreement, no NFL teams can legally take the field for the rest of the season. The Owner's Association had no official comment on the matter, but several owners were overheard remarking, "We want more money, guy!"

When told of this alleged comment, the Players' Union erupted into chaos. Baltimore linebacker Ray Lewis shot local man Shaun Murray in the chest; Philadelphia quarterback Michael Vick publicly burned his W-4 tax form; former-New York wide receiver Plaxico Burress took it like a bitch in a New York state penitentiary. The official union stance: "I'm not your guy, buddy!"

Golab Weekly reporter Steve "Sexy Spider" Nunes was dispatched to Foxboro to get the player's take on the situation. He has not been heard from since, save an electronically submitted, typo-riddled article, seven hours past the deadline. "We gave him a spell-checker," said Golab Weekly editor-in-chief Adam Golab, "but this doesn't surprise me at all. Steve likes to celebrate Evan Williams Sunday as much as the next man. I'm sure he'll sober up and come sauntering on home by Thursday or Friday."

As the rest of the NFL postseason has been cancelled, Aaron Rodgers can finally hoist the [interim] Lombardi trophy high. When asked if this was a hollow victory, Rodgers responded, "I'm really no different from [fictional character] Shane Falco. Except that I won a real trophy and am way more successful." Evidently, Mr. Rodgers was a big fan of The Replacements, starring Keanu Reeves and Gene Hackman.

Rex Ryan, in a press conference, expressed ambivalence over losing the Lombardi trophy. "It's a matter of simple math," explained Ryan. "The Lombardi trophy doesn't have any feet. On the other hand, that small Filipino boy over there has two."

When asked how he decided to give the Packers the Lombardi trophy, Goodell shrugged. "I guess it was just time for Aaron's trophy, and dick for that matter, to be bigger than Brett Favre's."

Jet's fans...Go Fuck Yourself

Jet's fans were recently found in disbelief over the fact that they actually beat a good play-off football team. Analysts are reporting however that they have no chance for the Lombardi trophy. Most expects are suggesting that it is the Green bay Packers title to lose. While I am a self professed Packers fan, I must admit, I cannot imagine a scenario in which an opponent can beat the Pack. While Aaron Rodgers fucked me over in the fantasy football playoffs, he has proven to be–at least in his recent performance–a good playoff quarterback.

Another factor that must be considered is the emergence of John Starks. While he is a no-name from a fantasy perspective, he brings a new dimension to the Green Bay offense; a dimension that has been lacking since the week 1 injury to Ryan Grant. I believe that John Starks will have the same effect as his predecessor, the New York Nicks point guard (no relation), had during the 1994 playoff run.

Another point that should be mentioned during this post is the fact that Deion Branch openly admitted to being content with 2 Super Bowl victories in his tenure with the New England Patriots. Branch noted that the effort he put forward this past Sunday was not one of a player who wanted to win. When open on a critical 3rd and 6, Branch elected to drop the ball to make his constituents angry and sick.

In all, the New England Patriots deserved to lose after an atrocious showing this past Sunday and should be gracious to see the Green Bay Packers (a team that they beat during the regular season) win the Super Bowl.

In other news, Aaron Rodgers is expected to sexually satisfy Inez Sainz and Jenn Sterger in an effort to prove that his penis is far greater than the collective dick's of the New York Jets.

Local Woman Loses 10lbs; Discovers Boyfriend has Built-in “Shake Weight”

Bonnie Desmond of Bristol, CT has a brand new outlook on life: “I feel great! I look good, I have more energy—I wish I had discovered this sooner!” says Ms. Desmond. “I had seen the commercials for the Shake Weight, and it seemed perfect for me: I could do it from the comfort of my own home, it’s quick and easy—I could even do it in bed or while I watch TV!” Ms. Desmond commented. “When I told [my boyfriend], he told me he had one ‘right here.’”

Ms. Desmond’s boyfriend, Jim Harrison, was elusive when asked about how he acquired this personal Shake Weight: “What are you, kidding me? Have you seen those things? You know what they look like? Please! She don’t need to spend $19.95; I got her $19.95 right here!” Mr. Harrison was noncommittal about where exactly “right here” was. When it was brought up that Ms. Desmond would also be saving on handling fees, Mr. Harrison was overcome with laughter.

“He’s been really supportive—he’s always willing to let me use it! I think he likes being able to spend productive time together. It’s really helped our relationship” Ms. Desmond noted.

Mr. Harrison certainly seems enthusiastic about his girlfriend’s success. “Are you serious with this? Yeah she hops on the scale, notices she’s lost a little bit of weight—suddenly she wants to exercise every day after work! Of course I’m gonna let ‘er!” When asked about whether or not he thinks Ms. Desmond’s exercise regime has helped their relationship, Mr. Harrison had only this to say: “What do you think, ya jerk? She’s shakin’ my weight around every single friggin’ day. Yeah I’m a lot happier, don’t worry about it.”

Mr. Harrison is still tight-lipped about exactly how he managed to acquire a built-in Shake Weight: “You really are serious about this, aren’t you? Christ, get a friggin’ clue.”

Gap Teeth are the Next Big Trend

My idea for this news post was about how gapped teeth were becoming the in thing and I was going to have an interview with Micheal Strahan and Anna Paquin about the phenomenon with medical notes by Hal Antwerp.

I started writing and thought to myself, "I really need some good pictures of gap tooth people." I head over to Google and start typing in 'gap,' low and behold the auto-fill's number one search is 'gap teeth trend.'

Are you fucking kidding me. A conversation and a joke turn out to be something absurdly real. Reading through some of the articles I learned that people are paying to have their teeth gapped. Paying real money to have something that as far as I can remember was a source of ridicule and stunted social interactions. Little Gap Toothed Johnny wasn't getting picked first for dodge ball or getting married on the playground in second grade. No, he was getting pummeled with playground balls and being forced to eat beetles while the girls laughed at him.

Seriously America, can't we have better trends. What. The. Fuck.

Local Dentist Explains New “Smokin’ Hot” Dental Assistant: “Just lucky, I guess.”

Hal Antwerp of DentFirst Partners recently acquired a new “smokin’ hot” dental assistant, Rebecca Hayward. Regarding the spectacular find, Mr. Antwerp had this to say: “Well, we had the job posting up for probably about a month. We had a lot of nibbles—no real catches, though. As soon as Bexx [Ms. Hayward] walked in the door, I knew she’d be a good fit. When someone with her kind of credentials walks in, well…I’m just lucky, I guess.”

When asked about her credentials, Mr. Antwerp gave her a positively glowing review. “Well, I could see by her high school transcript that she had taken Freshman Health three times. That tells me that she’s passionate about people and the biological sciences. I like to see that kind of passion in the people I work with.”

Rebecca “Sexxy Bexxy” Hayward seemed optimistic about the opportunity. “I don’t know, I graduated last June so…I guess I kind of needed a job. There’s not a lot of work for 18 year olds. I want to try that laughing gas stuff, I wanna see if it makes me all giggly. I tried keyboard duster once, but I got a carbon glioxide [sic] burn in the back of my throat and I couldn’t drink through a straw for like two weeks.” Ms. Hayward believes she’s well-prepared for the job. “I mean, I’ve had teeth for like…over 10 years. That’s a lot of experience.” When asked about her questionable C- in Biology, Ms. Hayward played it off: “I’m not really into that like, real science-y stuff, y’know?”

“As a dentist, that’s a kind of mindset that I can really understand” Mr. Antwerp commented. “She’s got real spirit, not like that stupid fat-ass Clark.”

Not everyone’s excited about Ms. Hayward’s addition to the team, though. Clark Henderson, receptionist and resident stupid fat-ass thinks the choice unwise. “I can’t fucking believe it. I have a Bachelor’s Degree in Biology from Brown. I’ve been working in this office for 4 years. I can name every single procedure performed here, and every tool used in that procedure, because I’m the one who has to fucking clean them.” Mr. Henderson also seemed doubtful about Ms. Hayward’s future at DentFirst Partners: “She’s probably going to fucking OD on Novocain and I’m going to have to stash her in a God damned dumpster somewhere. This is the most fuckhead decision that fuckhead dentist has made since I’ve been here.”

“I’m really confident in my decision,” Antwerp concluded, smiling. Ms. Hayward starts next Monday.